SAY WHAT, DUDE?

Like most everybody, La Chania Govan got bounced around when she called the cable company for a complaint. She made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish — a language she doesn't understand. When she got finally her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble understanding she'd made someone mad. It was addressed to "Bitch Dog." "I thought: you got to be freaking kidding me," said Govan (25) of her reaction when she saw the invoice. "I was so mad I couldn't even cuss." Two employees were fired after company officials went through records and identified them as being involved in the "act". - Pissed.

JUST WHAT WAS IN THAT FORMULA?

How about the other high school student who fed a batch of semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student and his friends? It seemed that the teenager was more than a bit ticked off when his classmate put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich that same week. As police reports, the prankster, who has since agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing peace, "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain." - Yucky!

GAVE A LICKING AND KEPT ON TICKING

An Oregon education board reprimanded a football coach for licking the wounds of several student athletes. Coach Scott Reed admitted licking blood from the knee of a student and the arm of another. It was not clear why he did this. County Sheriff Dave Burright called the licking "bizarre" but not criminal because it wasn't forced. Three students said it appeared the coach was "just joking around." - Whacked!

SO EASY. EVEN A KID CAN DO IT

An Anderson County, S.C., sheriff's deputy was temporarily sidelined by his boss after the officer's pistol went off during a gun safety class at a local school. It seems the weapon discharged when a student pulled the trigger as the deputy was showing the kids how hard it was to take a gun from an officer's holster and how safe it was to handle. The bullet fired into the floor, and debris cut two students. - Stupid!

ONE WOMAN AT A TIME

Another South Carolina deputy had a lapse of judgment as well, but his was of the matrimonial type. Sumter County sheriff's deputy Jay Follin was fired for being married to two women at the same time. Follin (27) was separated from his first wife when he married his second, according to a department investigation. His second wife, the investigation revealed, was already married to another man at that very time. Everything became public when the husband of Follin's second wife filed a complaint with the sheriff's department. The couple was separated at the time. - Poor!

PSST! TRADE YOU SOME GOAT FOR A ROCK

Four Connellsville, PA, men ended up behind bars after they allegedly stole and butchered a goat so they could trade it for crack cocaine. Two of the men stole and killed the four-year-old pygmy goat and then took it to another residence where two more men skinned and butchered the poor  animal. - Desperate!

40 GOATS FOR MRS. CHELSEA CLINTON. DO I HEAR 60?

Kenyan councilman Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer. - Beloved!

HEY! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

A man arrested after he was found peering at a teenage girl from the business end of a New Hampshire rest-stop privy has pleaded no contest to criminal trespass. Gary Moody was given a 30-day sentence that will be suspended if he maintains good behavior for two years. The judge cited Moody's public humiliation from the ensuing publicity in not jailing him. - Merciful.

HOOD? WHAT HOOD? WE DON'T SEE NOTHN'

Two Cedar Rapids, IO, men got canned after they continued driving on Interstate 380 when the hood of their car popped open and covered their windshield. Instead of stopping to fix the problem, the men stuck their heads out the windows so they could see and kept going. Two Linn County deputies took note and pulled them over. - HILARIOUS!

A STORY ON THE DANGERS OF SMOKING

A man riding in a car on Arkansas 234 near the Oklahoma border didn't go to jail following a long night of partying. Instead he did go to a hospital after jumping from the vehicle in an effort to retrieve his lit cigarette. Jeff Foran was recovering after leaping from the car and landing hard on the roadway in a failed bid to grab the butt, state police said. "If anything could make him stop smoking, this should be it," said a Trooper in charge. - SMOKED!

MAMA MIA! ALL SHE WANTED WAS A SNACK

An 86-year-old Charlotte, NC, woman spent two nights in the city lockup after police said she called 911 dispatchers 20 times in a little more than 40 minutes to complain about service at a pizza parlor. Dorothy Densmore told dispatchers the shop refused to deliver a pie to her apartment. Densmore wanted the workers arrested. Instead, police arrested her. - STUPID

NEVER POPPED WHEN MARRIED

Authorities in Wisconsin pinched a 63-year-old man who allegedly had a fondness for calves.

Harold G. Hart, of Neillsville, reportedly told police he stopped at a Greenwood farm "at least 50 times" to have sex with calves there. The man, however, told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with a girlfriend or his wife. - DISGUSTING!

HONEY, I'M HOT FOR YOU

A 38-year-old Oregon man wearing a gasoline-soaked cape set himself on fire before getting down on one knee and popping the question to his longtime girlfriend. About 100 people gathered to watch Todd Grannis perform the flaming stunt for Malissa Kusiek, who said "yes."  - HOT!

SHOOT. HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE

In Muscatine, IO, Dean Wooten got fired for greeting Wal-Mart customers with a computer-generated photo in which he appeared to be naked — except for a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag. Wooten reportedly told customers the store was cutting costs and the bag was the company's new uniform. A Wal-Mart manager told him to stop showing the photo after customers complained. He was canned when he displayed the photo again. - PATHETIC!

NOT FUNNY TO THIS BUNNY

The Easter Bunny wasn't laughing this year. Bryan Johnson, who portrayed the holiday rabbit at a mall in Bay City, MI, says he was pummeled in an unprovoked attack by a 12-year-old boy.

"He just started hitting," Johnson said. Johnson suffered a bloody nose but kept his cool because he figured it was inappropriate for the Easter Bunny to battle back. - KNOCKED OUT!

MAN JAILED AFTER BITING HEAD OFF GECKO

A 19-year-old man was behind bars after allegedly biting the head off a gecko as part of a bet. Derrick Ford was at a friend's home Sunday when someone bet him $10 that he wouldn't bite the head off a gecko. Though Ford won the bet, it wasn't long before police showed up and placed him under arrest, the newspaper said. - EEEEWWWW!!!

MAN PLEADS GUILTY IN HORSE SEX CASE

A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing in connection with a fatal horse-sex case. James Michael Tait (54), of Enumclaw, was accused of entering a barn without the owner's permission. Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan to have sex with a horse. Tait was videotaping the episode when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death. Tait pleaded guilty and was given a one-year suspended sentence, a $300 fine, and ordered to perform eight hours of community service and have no contact with the neighbors. The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horses. - TOTALLY WHACKED!

And finally, to bring this year 2005 to grave, bad behaving Santa's, pathetic!